I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
