Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize