just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
where are you?
Hypothermia
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
