Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize