Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think your dad took our porno
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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