you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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