my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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