After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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