man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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