I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
