hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
