I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh god the rape fog is back!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
