I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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