Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
