Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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