Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
