i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
