tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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