Kiss
Puke
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I need to align my fucking chakras
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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