I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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