I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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