before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize