I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
