I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
