I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
