Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
