So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
