I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
