I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
