Grow some girl-balls and come out already
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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