So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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