Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize