i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
