I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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