My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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