I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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