I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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