I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think my moral compass just broke
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