I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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