What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
