only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize