No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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