I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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