haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
