I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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