I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have post one night stand depression
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