i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
