Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
