So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
