It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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