Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
