i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
