Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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