your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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