when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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